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‘So it begins,’ conspiracy theorist says for 1,260th time since 9/11

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SOMEWHERE UNDERGROUND — A local conspiracy theorist believes that the recent events around the world are “just the beginning,” sources have confirmed.

“Things are about to kick off,” said Ian Landis, a self-proclaimed dissident intellectual, for the 1,260th time since September 11, 2001. “The attack in Las Vegas is nothing compared to what is coming.”

Landis began his foray into conspiracy theories 16 years ago when, as a tourist outside the White House on 9/11, he witnessed an E-4B National Airborne Operations Center (“Doomsday Plane”) incidentally flying over Washington, D.C. while the attacks were happening. The subsequent passage of the Patriot Act and proliferation of fringe hypotheses about that day only energized his obsession.

Since then, he has been constantly scanning the mainstream and alternative media for what he deems to be “warning signs.”

“The last decade-and-a-half has been building up to this,” Landis elaborated during an interview, pausing to sip Mountain Dew. “It’s really going to happen this time. Wake up, sheeple!”

Scrolling through an extensive digital archive of news clippings, photos, leaked documents, and other files, Landis opened a Word document containing a timeline of suspicious or alarming developments from the last 16 years, various events he thought would “change everything.”

Included were the escape of Osama Bin Laden, the opening of the Guantanamo Bay detention center, the stand-up of US Northern Command, the Iraq invasion, the Madrid train bombing, the Virginia Tech shooting, Barack Obama’s election, the concealment of Bin Laden’s corpse from the media, the attacks at Benghazi, Barack Obama’s re-election, the Newtown Massacre, the Boston bombing, the Edward Snowden leaks, George Zimmerman’s acquittal, the Ebola crisis of 2014, the riots in Ferguson and Baltimore, Jade Helm 2015, the Orlando shooting, the ascendance of Donald Trump, the riots after the inauguration, the Manchester bombing, the clash in Charlottesville, and the devastation caused by Hurricane Harvey, among hundreds of other incidents.

Landis also mentioned that America has a military presence in all 50 states and over 150 countries, has been heavily militarizing its law enforcement, and runs a global surveillance network through various signals intelligence bases, such as Menwith Hill and Pine Gap.

Hypothetically, someone could “give the order” at any time, he said. He then played a video of dozens of armored vehicles being transported by rail to an unknown destination.

“We’re on the razor’s edge,” Landis mused aloud as he adjusted his tinfoil headpiece. “I used to think it would take another 9/11 for them to make their move, but I think almost anything will suffice as an excuse at this point.”

At press time, Landis was investigating whether the Air Force’s 557th Weather Wing is using chemtrails to steer hurricanes toward the US coast.

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