THE WHITE HOUSE — President Donald Trump on Monday released his long-awaited strategy for Afghanistan, saying that he plans to surge thousands of additional US troops and open a new Trump Hotel in downtown Kabul, sources confirmed today.

“We believe the two biggest issues facing Afghanistan are a lack of security and economic development. This plan tackles both," Trump said during a press conference.

Citing Trump's stellar business acumen and record for making deals, officials claim the new hotel will be the first of many economic development projects the US government will pay for in Afghanistan. Other plans include a chain of Trump-themed resorts and casinos, as well as an annual beauty pageant the president is anticipated to judge.