THE PENTAGON — Following the release of its new 'deploy or get out' policy, the Pentagon has now announced it will be closing down within the next 12 months as the category "medically undeployable" applies to 93% of the building's military workforce.

The new plan, which the Defense Department had hoped would motivate and streamline the military for greater lethality by demanding troops be medically able to deploy or be forced out, has apparently come with unintended consequences.

“The situation we face today is really unprecedented, certainly in the post-World War II era,” Robert Wilkie, under secretary of defense for personnel and readiness, told a Senate Armed Services subcommittee. “On any given day, tens of thousands of troops are medically incapable of being deployed. We just didn't realize the vast majority of them were here in the Pentagon."

“I cannot believe they’re doing this to us. We were trying to go after those shammer, slacker, shitbag types like in admin shops and logistics, not us important decision makers," said Cmdr. Susan Essex, one of the architects of the proposal, as she bounded out of her SUV in a coveted Pentagon south-parking handicap space, which she's entitled to use due to a bunion she had 14 months ago.