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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Wednesday, 30 September 2026

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

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Vol. 15 · No. 117

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Vol. 15 · No. 117 · Deployed worldwide

Wednesday

30 September 2026

0140 Zulu

Next edition Friday

← Front page
· Page 2

Pentagon offers new Xbox bundle over blended retirement system

Filed · 1533

WASHINGTON — Service members everywhere face an important decision this year regarding their future retirement. In a surprising announcement, a newly added option is gaining traction over the recently implemented Blended Retirement System (BRS), sources confirmed today.

The Troop Retirement Excepted Xbox Package, also known as the T-REX Pack, has become the leading choice for more than 90% of troops, and those numbers haven't shown any signs of slowing down, according to defense officials.

Those opting for the T-REX Pack will receive an Xbox One X console, four wireless controllers, two games of their choice, and one Rent-A-Center coupon granting a 5% discount on their first rent-to-own television payment. The retail value for a comparable gaming bundle totals nearly $900, or $40 cash if it were to be pawned in a pinch for some beer money.

"I've carefully weighed all the options," said Pfc. James Garriott, an Army petroleum supply specialist. "I definitely won't be in for a full twenty, and statistically, I'll probably commit suicide or end up in prison before I'm 60. Why not enjoy this benefit now?"

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