MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin told reporters today that he is “shocked, confused, and seemingly without direction in the universe” after the US Central Intelligence Agency failed to interfere in the Russian presidential elections held on Sunday.

“Ever since I joined the KGB as a cadet, the machinations of the CIA have reminded me of Russia’s place in the world,” Putin said in emotional remarks to reporters at the Kremlin. “Their black propaganda and frantic espionage established, beyond any doubt, that Russia was America’s peer as a superpower. They were in the ring with us. And yet, where is the CIA this year? We have searched high and low and found nothing. Could they not be bothered? What cowardice is this?"

The CIA has interfered in every Russian election since 1954, when it took over responsibility for meddling in Soviet democracy from the Elders of Zion. There are no indications that the CIA influenced Sunday's election, according to Putin.