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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Saturday, 26 September 2026

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

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Vol. 15 · No. 115

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Vol. 15 · No. 115 · Deployed worldwide

Saturday

26 September 2026

1818 Zulu

Next edition Monday

← Front page
· Page 2

Seagull worried someone might notice he snuck onto base without ID

Filed · 1533

NAVAL STATION NORFOLK, Va. — After flying from a McDonalds parking lot over the fence of Naval Base Norfolk’s secure facility, a seagull is genuinely concerned that someone might notice that he totally forgot his ID card at home, sources confirmed today.

“I watched him just coast right over the fence without even checking with the gate. It’s like he doesn’t even care about security,” one witness told reporters.

Numerous eyewitnesses saw the seagull anxiously pace back and forth outside the Port Operations Department and caw to himself in a very insecure manner.

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