NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Following outrage over a viral video in which an Air National Guardsman reenlisted while wearing a dinosaur hand puppet, Tennessee National Guard Adjutant General Maj. Gen. Terry Haston announced punishments effectively ending the lengthy careers of three senior guardsman, sources confirmed today.
The most senior officer, an unnamed colonel who administered the reenlistment oath, was immediately forced to retire at a reduced rank of lieutenant colonel. This is also the same rank at which Jeffrey Sinclair was forced to retire after making a plea bargain to reduce sexual assault charges to guilty pleas for adultery, mistreating a junior officer, soliciting explicit photos from female officers, possessing pornography in a combat zone, and abusing a government charge card.
“I hope this sends a message to all our soldiers and airman that attempting to inject some light-hearted humor into a sacrosanct military ceremony is a serious offense,” said the portly general, as he reached his hand into a bag of pork rinds.
Haston defended his decision, noting that Jeffrey Sinclair was reduced two ranks, whereas he only reduced the unnamed colonel one rank.
“In my estimation, allowing your subordinate to reenlist with a sock puppet is approximately half as bad as forcing your subordinate to perform oral sex and then threatening to kill her,” said Haston, as he attempted to wipe a mustard stain off of his uniform.
Haston noted his intent is to separate the wheat from the chaff within his organization, getting rid of leaders who he deems lacking in leadership skills.
“We aim to promote good leadership, which is exemplified by actions such as destroying morale within your organization by levying draconian punishments for minor infractions for the sake of political expediency, kowtowing to the whims of social media vigilantes suffering from Outraged Veteran Syndrome, and maintaining a body fat percentage under 45%.”
“I strive to maintain high standards within my organization,” added Haston, as he reached for his second serving of birthday cake.