ATLANTA, Ga. — Marco Estevez considers himself an average teenager. He barely squeaks by in his classes, enjoys spending time with his friends, and doesn’t know what he’s going to do when he grows up. But little does this 16-year-old student know that in just 42 short years, he will become the commanding general of all allied forces in Afghanistan.
Though his classmates say he “doesn’t pay attention to politics” and prefers to “keep it real,” Estevez will soon make history by becoming the first soldier born after September 11, 2001 to lead the soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen deployed to the so-called Graveyard of Empires.
Estevez, a high school junior, has no aspirations of joining the military at this time. Being from a middle-class family, he doesn’t see the need to sign his life away to Uncle Sam when he can attend university instead.
However, all that will change in six years when he graduates with a B.A. in English from a for-profit college and finds himself working as a barista at Starbucks. He’ll eventually enlist in the U.S. Army to get stable entry-level work and benefits and start repaying his student loans at 46% interest.
Due to his can-do attitude and education level, future-Pvt. Estevez will quickly be pitched the idea of applying for Officer Candidate School. Ironically, he will forgo the opportunity until he realizes his girlfriend of two weeks is pregnant, prompting him to stay in the military longer for the TRICARE and other benefits.
Soon thereafter, this reluctant leader will choose the officer route for the better salary, placing him on a career-trajectory that will culminate in his command of all military and government personnel participating the Forever War, which will by then be renamed “Operation Everlasting Support.”
Estevez will furthermore break ground as the first general or flag officer to have attended OCS with a bachelor’s degree from a for-profit school, and as the first US military officer to have purple hair and ear gauges in his command photo.
Reporters attempted to ask the subject of this story how he feels about fighting in a war that started before he was born, but our emails went unanswered as he was too busy watching porn through his VR goggles.
At press time, several think-tanks have predicted that Marco Estevez will also be the first general officer to retire without paying off his college debt.