SPACE — While training with the inaugural class of the recently announced U.S. Space Force, sources say Lt. j.g. Tyler Shoelaces got lost during a navigation exercise and wandered into a wormhole.
According to Space Force officials, the introductory class “Space Navigation: 101” is a simple navigation course conducted just a few thousand miles above Earth’s surface. However, radio signals from Shoelaces’ ship indicate he drifted at least half a dozen light years outside the Solar System.
“I swear I was supposed to take a left turn at Neptune, but now I have no idea where I am,” transmitted Shoelaces just seconds before slipping helplessly into a rift in the spacetime continuum. “I don’t know. My lensatic compass is going bonkers.”
Instructors say they were worried about Shoelaces’ abilities after he accidentally locked himself in an escape pod prior to takeoff, but decided to let him try the course anyway.
“If anything I’m impressed,” said Cmdr. Dean Workins, an instructor at the course. “Honestly, we weren’t even positive that wormholes existed until now.”
At press time, another lieutenant had emerged from a dimensional rift stating that after a journey through nearly infinite expanses of time and space he had finally found the keys to his spaceship.