WASHINGTON — In order to man the newly-created Space Force, the Pentagon has commissioned space cadet and upcoming West Point senior Andrew Levy as its first space officer, sources confirmed today.
“I’m like the duckling you thought was ugly but I ended up being a swan,” Levy, a second lieutenant in a unit that does not technically exist, told reporters before getting distracted by a squirrel. “But instead of a bird, I’m gonna be, you know, an astronaut soldier.”
Dr. Eric Prince, Levy’s former military history professor, support’s the Pentagon’s decision.
“After years of staring into the void instead of working,” Prince’s recommendation stated. “Our space cadet will finally have a job where he will be expected to do exactly that.”
Because of the challenges of space warfare, Levy will be required to complete the rest of his education in training specific to his new branch of service. Fortunately, Levy will have a massive head start on the new curriculum, which consists mainly of playing Halo videogames, watching Starship Troopers, and subsisting on dehydrated noodles.
“I think we’ll all feel safer knowing that Levy is out on the moon, watching for alien attacks or whatever, where he can’t absentmindedly hurt anyone,” said Rachel Benedict, one of Levy’s classmates.