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Trump gives Putin full control of US military

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WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump says he agreed to provide Vladimir Putin “full and ultimate control” over the entire U.S. military while he met privately with the Russian president earlier this week in Helsinki, Finland, sources confirmed today.

The joint international security agreement, which makes Putin commander-in-chief of the Russian and U.S. Armed Forces, was discussed during a closed-door meeting between the two world leaders with only translators present. After it was announced, many Congressional Republicans applauded the move.

“I have full and ultimate trust in the brilliant President Putin that he will use our brave men and women wisely,” Trump said. “I think the Russians will use our military against our real foes like the European Union, China, Canada, and that other country with the kangaroos and dingos. I don’t trust them.”

Trump said he “saw no reason” that Ukraine, Moldova, Georgia, Armenia, or Belarus should worry about any foreign interference, since those nations will “always have the protection of the the U.S.-Russian military,” while adding that those “losers in NATO won’t do anything for you.”

“I have great confidence in our Army, Marines, Navy, Air People, Coast Guys, and the new Space Force; but I will tell you that President Putin is extremely strong and powerful, which makes him the perfect person to lead our heroic men and women of the military.”

Meanwhile, President Putin said he would use his larger military force to help spread world peace and bring balance to the world, which Trump said “seemed like a fantastic deal.”

Still, sources familiar with the matter say there was some disagreement over specifics, which Trump only characterized as “minor differences” over what kind of uniforms everyone would wear and whether there would be more parades with tanks and rolling missile launchers. Still, both agreed about how handsome Putin is, in addition to sharing the view that the Democratic National Committee servers need to be investigated, and that Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster and Seth Rich.

“Oh and where are Hillary Clinton’s emails?” Trump said. “I bet the best military in the world could find those emails with the help of the Russian government.”

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