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Generals conduct change-of-command in Afghanistan for roughly 32,435th time

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KABUL — The U.S. Resolute Support mission, which oversees NATO forces in Afghanistan, on Wednesday conducted a change of command ceremony for the approximately 32,435th time in the 67-year-old war or whatever the hell it is now, sources confirmed today.

Gen. John W. NoOneEvenCaresAtThisPoint relinquished command to fellow Army Gen. Austin S. NotGonnaWinTheWarEither in a traditional ceremony held at the RS headquarters, amid celebratory gun and mortar-fire directed at the base near downtown Kabul.

The new general takes charge during a crucial year for Afghanistan, which also had crucial years in 2017, 2016, 2015, and all the years prior, with the exception of 2007, which was considered a “game-changing” year by military planners. Prior to 2007, years in Afghanistan were said to have been marked by “interesting progress.”

The Resolute Support mission, which oversees the training and advising of the Afghan military and police forces that America has been advising for what feels like 8,000 years or so, has about 10,000 or 15,000 troops or however many assigned to it like you even care. That number does not include the roughly 27,000 to 170,000 contractors that strive toward bringing the war to a swift conclusion by having an opposing financial incentive.

“As we look toward the future of Afghanistan, I am thankful for my time here and am hopeful for this country’s future,” said Gen. John Doesn’tEvenMatterAtThisPoint, in a speech before passing the microphone to his successor.

For his part, Gen. Austin ThingsAren’tLookingSoGood cautioned that the RS mission had seen some setbacks but overall there was reason “to remain cautiously optimistic about future events,” he said, echoing similar thoughts expressed by his predecessors in about 11,381 speeches and press statements.

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