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New ALARACT authorizes military police to ticket Army regulation violators

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WASHINGTON — The Office of the Chief of Staff of the Army has issued a new All-Army Activities message, or ALARACT, empowering military police with punitive authority to issue monetary citations for infractions of Army regulations such as uniform wear and appearance, hair, grooming, and height-and-weight standards, sources confirmed today.

Local military police detachments are now authorized to issue on-the-spot citations for infractions, with an associated monetary fine which will be deducted directly from the offender’s base pay upon final adjudication of the citation, according to details of the message.

“The biggest target of this policy is going to be those repeat-offender soldiers who can’t seem to stop looking like a sock drawer come to life,” said a spokesman for Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley. “These are the sorts of low performers who don’t really care about signing a counseling statement but notice when it hits their wallet. So we’re going to make it hurt a little.”

The severity of the infraction will determine the nature of the fine. An out-of-regulation haircut, for instance, might only result in a verbal or written warning for a first offense. Repeat offenses will incur fines which increase proportionally with each successive offense.

Failure to observe customs and courtesies, such as failing to render a salute or the greeting of the day as appropriate, subjects the offender to a fine of no less than $40. More severe infractions, such as presenting an appearance that suggests excessive body fat, could subject the suspected offender to a field tape test. Testing positive for excess body fat will lead to a minimum fine of $200 and immediate enrollment in the Army Body Composition Program in accordance with AR 600-9.

The policy marks a major win for senior leaders who have long bemoaned a lack of effective tools for combating a decline in good order and discipline that doesn’t require extra time or effort, or drastically altering or detoxifying their leadership style in any meaningful way.

“Finally, we can do something about these turds who just go rolling around post looking like a CIF threw up on a middle-schooler,” said a garrison sergeant major. “It’s about time that we as leaders are able to dispense all that time-wasting hassle of fostering and developing individual soldier discipline and pride because what leader actually has time to personally mentor subordinates?” Better to let the ones who already have that take care of doing the right thing on their own with no feedback so we can focus on hammering the slack-jaws who’d rather whine about how no one’s ever taken the time to show them.”

Pentagon officials dismissed critics of the new policy and called it a thinly disguised money grab by an already cash-strapped Army.

“Soldiers can easily avoid fines by observing and adhering to Army regulations,” a spokesman said.

Army top brass are finalizing language that will provide exceptions for senior ranks after a staggering 470 citations were issued at the Pentagon alone after the publication of the policy, totaling a cumulative dollar amount of over $100,000, mostly for violations of AR 600-9.

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