KABUL — The Afghanistan War is complaining to anyone who will listen about never having a quinceañera to recognize its ever-advancing age as it celebrates its 17th birthday, sources confirmed today.

A quinceañera is a significant, sometimes spectacular celebration which recognizes maturity, usually held for a 15th birthday. Two years past that mark, the Afghanistan War feels that its big party signifying advancement to the next level, such as peace, is long past due.

“Everybody loved me when I was a baby,” the war said, “until that attention-hog Iraq War came along in 2003. I thought they’d throw a party in 2014 with Obama’s exit strategy but that never happened. Now I’m pretty much forgotten and my asshole Uncle Taliban is still hanging around.”