AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban insurgency, internationally known for waging a brutal nearly two decade war with the U.S., announced they would be suspending all combat operations until pop singer Ariana Grande got back together with recently separated boyfriend Pete Davidson, sources confirmed today
“I don’t know how we can be expected to work under these conditions. The grief is unbearable,” said Taliban fighter Mujeeb Jubair. “I could deal with the fighting and the death and with my friends being blown to bits by airstrikes, but I can’t deal with this heartbreak.”
The Taliban has only called for a small number of Hollywood breakup-related ceasefires in the past, the most recent following Brad Pitt’s divorce from Angelina Jolie in 2016.
“First Brangelina, and now this? I just need some time to get my head straight,” said Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada as he flipped through photos of the couple’s four month relationship on Instagram. “Those were the happiest four months of my life.”
Grande and Davidson reassured fans that they were splitting on good terms, leaving open the possibility of a future relationship and a return of hostilities in southwest Asia.
“I just want to let my fans know that, regardless of what happens between me and Pete, I still love them and think they should never stop waging unconventional warfare against the West,” tweeted Grande. “[Kiss emoji].”
At press time Akhundzada announced that, despite the lyrics to his favorite song saying otherwise, he did in fact have more tears left to cry.