WASHINGTON — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) announced today their development of a hybrid man-machine soldier that can become a booze-soaked, homeless wreck more quickly than humans, exceeding Defense Department goals.
Engineers at DARPA designed the Cybernetic-Human Integrated Patrol Infantryman (CHIPI) for the Army and assigned it the Military Occupational Specialty 11T (Terminator). CHIPI performed admirably as an infantry killing machine during his first assignment in Afghanistan.
The Army assigned CHIPI to the Pentagon in a complete mismatch to his skills, a common procedure.
“We thought CHIPI’s super-human strength and intelligence could improve the speed of Army staff work,” said DARPA spokesman Mitch Burmeister. “It seemed to make sense at the time.”
“On his first day, CHIPI was productive for about two hours, which is more than we get out of most colonels,” Burmeister said. “But then his artificial intelligence algorithms rapidly processed that his work was pointless, the leadership sucked, and being sidelined out of his job field, his prospects for promotion were zero.”
“Like many redeploying infantrymen, CHIPI also realized that few job prospects exist in the civilian world for a super soldier whose primary skills are working long shifts and instantaneously shooting things with amazing accuracy, at least not outside of the St. Louis Police Department,” he added.
Within one day, CHIPI resigned and processed his own discharge. With no need to sleep for his cybernetic body, CHIPI had blown his entire savings on alcohol, sports cars, and video games by the end of the weekend.
“He married and divorced two strippers in 20 minutes and that was while slamming tequila and playing ‘Assassin’s Creed,’ nonstop,” said Burmeister. “That beat the previous record held by a Marine lance corporal at Camp Lejeune.”
“Usually it takes months or years for people to lose their shit this completely. He really exceeded our expectations,” he added.
Based on this success, DARPA plans to develop a cybernetic Veterans Affairs employee that can provide the same recovery assistance 200 times less efficiently than human counterparts.