Washington, D.C. — Newly promoted Col. Bob Dole has been immediately flagged as non-deployable following a review of his official personnel file, a spokesperson from Human Resources Command confirmed today.

This action comes on the heels of legislation, co-sponsored by Viagra manufacturer Pfizer, promoting the former senator and presidential candidate.

"We really appreciated the assistance from Pfizer in getting this recognition for Kansas’s favorite son,” reported Sen. Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) “The support that they gave my staff was just incredible.”

Headquarters Company Commander for the National Capital Region Capt. Jared Wyman expressed dismay at receiving yet another senior officer who is below standards in every category of medical readiness and fails to meet pretty much every other annual training requirement.