WASHINGTON—President Donald H. Trump announced today that the Independence Day holiday would move earlier so that it can be the “number one day” in July.

“My whole life has been about being the best, number one, the best. Not the fourth,” the president said. “The fourth is for losers. America’s birthday shouldn’t be number two, let alone four.”

“Numero uno, as the Mexicans say, but this is America, so we say one,” continued the President. “But even the fourth, we’re still better than the Mexicans, because their birthday, Cinco de Mayo, is number five. See?” he said, making air quotes around “Cinco de Mayo.”