ASGARD—Valhalla has been on lockdown for the past millennium, as warrior souls have been searching for the missing hammer of Thor, according to Valkyries close to the situation.
“We narrowed down the possible location to a few billion cubic light years of empty space,” said Egil, legendary hero and brother of Wayland the Smith. “However, until it is found we have protocols we have to follow.”
Egil and other deities suspended the daily battles and nightly smorgasbords served by beautiful Valkyries until Mjolnir, the hammer, is found, forcing the mythical army of the dead to eat FREs (Feasts, Ready-to-Eat) for the past 1,000 years. In parallel, millions of soldiers under Freyja participate in daily “Hands Across Fólkvangr” MOD walk (Mjolnir object debris), thus far turning up nothing of significance.
“We will find Thor’s hammer if it takes us to Ragnarok,” Odin told reporters from atop his flying, eight-legged steed Sleipnir. “Or, until we figure out who signed the original hand receipt.”
Clerks from the Qin Dynasty and Chu-Han Contention identified the missing equipment while poring over records attempting to reconcile another inventory error spanning back to the Aesir-Vanir War. Based on their best guesses, the mythical and all-powerful weapon was last seen somewhere between Jotunheim and Svartalfheim around 500 B.C.
While the search continues with no end in sight, the dead grow increasingly frustrated with living conditions.
“The soldiers guarding the great dining are being real Nazis,” said an anonymous Roman soldier from the Punic Wars. “Seriously. They are German soldiers from WWII and they are under strict orders to not let anyone into the great hall until the hammer is found.”
“I would rather be trampled by an elephant again than eat one more pound cake,” added the soldier.
Thor has been on leave in Muspelheim since the Battle of Sumer in 2,700 B.C. and could not be reached for comment.
UPDATE: The souls of fallen soldiers were released from police-call purgatory earlier today after Thor’s hammer was found by Vahalla immortals in a Midgardian pawn shop located outside Fort Campbell, Kentucky. Loki is currently wanted for questioning.