Throw away that copy of How to Argue and Win Every Time! We have you covered. The next time you find yourself decisively engaged in a conflict of words, here are eight ways to assure victory:

1. Talk over the other person.

If they can't get a word in, they can't possibly win the argument. Easy! Eventually they will give up and go away, which everyone knows means that they concede the argument. Check and mate.

2. Guilt them about your service.

Repeat after me: "You'd feel differently about this if you knew what it meant to serve." If arguing with another vet, insist that their experience didn't count because they were a POG or in the Air Force or whatever.