BAHRAIN — In an attack that has his entire chain of command scratching its heads, Marine Sgt. Cliff Smith committed a heinous war crime despite the fact that he shaved everyday.

“I just don’t get it,” said his battalion Sgt. Maj. Mike Hofstra. “Sgt. Smith always has the cleanest shave and most finely pressed uniforms, yet he slaughtered half a dozen innocent civilians as if those things don’t even matter when determining someone’s performance in combat. Perhaps this could have been prevented if we had just done a few more uniform inspections.”

Smith’s fellow Marines noted that he always completed his annual training on time and got a fresh high-and-tight haircut every Monday morning. However, they say his general hostility towards other cultures and tendency to brutally torture and kill small animals did raise some red flags.