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Marine Corps

Breastfeeding infant court-martialed for putting his SIPR on the NIPR

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QUANTICO, Va. — After severely mishandling of extremely sensitive physical matter, 9-month-old Tyler Stevenson will be tried before a court martial convened by the Marine Corps’ top brass.

Stevenson, also known to his innermost circle by aliases “honey bunny” and “snookykins,” is accused of placing his SIPR directly onto the NIPR, causing a major leakage, which officials say “cannot simply be white washed.”

“This case has latched onto me hard. It really sucks,” said lead prosecutor, Navy JAG Lt. Jeremy Wiggins. “I have kids myself. We wish we didn’t have to pursue this further, but you know what we say about classified info violations: Once it’s innie, you can’t take it outie again.”

The public and people close to the case alike are asking Where were the parents? While the father, Sgt. Terrence Stevenson, has so far declined to comment, if he is determined by the court to ever have facilitated a connection between any NIPRs and SIPRS, he will be at risk of being charged himself. The mother, Juliet Stevenson, reports that the entire debacle has her feeling incredibly drained.

“This really chafes me,” Mrs. Steven said.

The friction and stimulation caused by this event has sent shockwaves through the backbone of the Marine Corps, and NCOs are standing upright in anticipation. Many are sympathetic that this could happen to any of them, as well.

“It only takes one nip to slip,” said Cpl. Quentin Goff, squadmate of Stevenson. Goff claims that so far, his formula has spelled success for him and his children from repeating this mistake. “We get ours straight from the store, and just keep it bottled up real tight. That way there’s never a misunderstanding or accidental leak.”

Others lament the overclassification of mounds of information.

“This type of thing actually happens all the time, and it has never come back to bite us in the tits,” claims intel Staff Sgt. Ray Santos. Santos is to be brought in as an expert witness the defense, both for his knowledge of the intel community as well as for personal character reference of the defendant.

“When it comes to Mrs. Stevenson, I have seen every inch of this all the way through,” Santos said. “And trust me, it’s looking good. Really good.”

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