WASHINGTON – The House Intelligence Committee called upon Col. Mustard to testify last Tuesday in the hearings related to President Donald Trump's impeachment. Mustard, a career Army officer and combat veteran of both the Boer War and the Sudan Campaign, sat in on the now-famous July phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelensky.

“I intercepted the rapscallion’s communique with the chief minister of the former Cossack Hetmanate,” the great white hunter declared, “And by Jove, a saucy kerfuffle transpired.”