SAN ANTONIO, Texas – An EAS’d Golden Retriever, is concerned that immigrant working dogs are taking his job, Duffel Blog has learned.
Cpl. Nugget served in the U.S. Army as an Explosive Detector Dog (EDD) from 2014–18, including two tours in Afghanistan and a “Good Boy” Medal. Now, displeased with the nation’s state of affairs, he’s fired up his adoptive family’s Furbo dog camera and begun filming rant videos from his kennel.
“Those damn Belgian Malinoises coming into this country, taking jobs from us hard working American dogs and getting invited to the White House,” woofed the very bad dog, taking a long pause to vomit on the carpet. “We should build an invisible fence.”
Nugget has expressed particular frustration with now-famous hero dog, Conan, with whom he overlapped in the 341st Military Working Dog Training Squadron at Lackland AFB. The Golden claims that reports of the al-Baghdadi raid are exaggerated and that SF dogs frequently put themselves in for valor awards beyond what they actually deserve.
“I’ve seen Conan eat his own poop three times,” Nugget said of his associate, “And another thing, that animal can’t even decide if it’s a boy or a girl. The military isn’t a social experiment.”
Nugget has also addressed other topics on his Youtube channel and podcast “Wardawgz.” Last week, he called out the Cavalry for taking jobs away from perfectly fit horses and giving them to machines. The week prior, he unleashed a tongue lashing against Navy EOD dolphins for stealing valor from quadrupeds during an 18-year land war.
His most recent episode took issue with Chesty XV, the first female bulldog Marine Corps mascot, making claims that there’s no way that she could have passed the rigorous training standards of that elite position. The provocative pooch also called the Marine “a bitch.”
“I didn’t spend two years fighting Afghan Hounds to see the reputation of the Teufelhunden tarnished like this,” barked the combat veteran, donning a Grunt Style collar “If it weren’t for my great-great-great-great-great granddaddy, we’d all be speaking German Shepherd.”
Nugget’s unrestrained diatribes have gained significant notoriety in the last year, though the pup has chased his fair share of controversy. Just last month, he got all hopped up on chocolate and started tweeting bigoted, anti-cat rhetoric.
Critics have decried the contrarian canine as a “golden nationalist” and have gone after his sponsors, which include Copenhagen Chew Toys, Black Rifle Dog Biscuits, and Easy-Wash Humpable Couch Cushions.
The veteran was quick to backpedal and distance himself from violent, far-right kennel clubs.
“Don’t go making this a breed thing,” Nugget growled, looking sternly into the camera, “I don’t see color.”