WASHINGTON — Volunteers for the U.S. Space Force (USSF) have been overwhelmed with a hyperactive desire to know exactly what will happen when they finally get the chance to enthusiastically rub one out in space, sources confirmed.

The volunteers, drawn from all service branches to the space force mission, are excited at the prospect of being a part of something bigger—much bigger—than themselves. They are also feverishly wondering what it will be like to finally spank the monkey while weightless.

“Will I need to Velcro my feet to the floor of the space station while jerkin my gherkin, you know—to keep my bearings,” asked Navy Lt. Pete Chamberlain, an early applicant to the program. “Or, can I float around freely, hunched over while just straight-up going to town on myself? I can’t wait to find out.”

Another space force applicant offered his own questions.