CAPE DISAPPOINTMENT — Witnesses in the southwestern corner of Washington state have reported that a 47-foot Coast Guard vessel was last seen having the time of its fucking life crashing through gigantic 18-foot breakers past the Columbia River bar.

The Coast Guard boat, known for its durability in treacherous weather, was heard yelling things like “WEEEEEEEEE!!!” and “Guys guys guys guys guys, waaaatch this, BWOOOOSHHHH!!” After being knocked around and blasting through the waves like a killer whale, the boat emerged from the water unscathed and ready for another one.

At one point, a pedestrian asked, as the boat disappeared into the swell, “Where is it? What if it sank?” Locals claim that there was a moment there where everyone held their breath and was not sure if the Coast Guard was going to appear again.