DoD quietly pulls bat tartare MRE from circulation


Bat Tartare
Bat Tartare MRE: a Marine favorite

WASHINGTON — Everyone’s favorite MRE will no longer be available a Pentagon spokesperson admitted in a press conference yesterday. There have been no incidents with the bat tartare entree, according to the DoD, but officials are concerned that everyone, except maybe the Marines, will now be repulsed by the option.

The Defense Department made the move more than a week ago amid the growing coronavirus pandemic. Many experts believe that if the original bat eater had dumped a miniature bottle of MRE Tabasco sauce on it, the contagion might have been stopped right before it began.

“This wouldn’t be the first time the U.S. has had to recall military rations,” said Defense Health Agency director Lt. Gen. Ronald J. Place. “After Harambe died, we had to get rid of our gorilla burger, and I don’t even want to talk about WWI and the bird meat ravioli.”

When asked why the MRE wasn’t taken off the shelves back in December, when the coronavirus was discovered, officials conceded that they did not take early warnings seriously enough.

“Our bats are locally sourced, free cave, organic bats and are rigorously tested for disease,” an official said.

The DoD is already looking for replacement options. They are currently considering lamprey tacos and iguana meatloaf.


Wob Weego

Air National Guard is the tip of the spear. Stand up comic and co-host of the Excuse Me History Podcast. Follow me @WobWeego
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