For more than a decade, we've deployed pitch perfect satire to service members around the world.

Join thousands of troops, veterans, and defense insiders who read Duffel Blog before breakfast.

“A must-read for national security nerds.”

—The Daily Beast

Free. No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.

14years publishing

4,200+dispatches filed

17,000+readers briefed

· Page 2

ISIS cancels all suicide attacks amid coronavirus scare

By Duffel Blog Staff · Bureau · 1 minute

Filed 5 October 2022 · 1551

THE CALIPHATE — Amid growing fears of the coronavirus, or COVID-19, pandemic, the Islamic State has announced it is canceling all suicide attacks for the foreseeable future to protect its bombers from infection.

"Many of our best suicide bombing targets are yucky incubators of disease, like crowded bazaars, military bases, and popular cafes," said ISIS spokesman Abu Hamza. "So we have ordered all of our fighters to remain home and avoid these places for their own safety."

Also on this page

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

Army

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Staff says senator’s three-month absence was “routine National Guard obligation”

Pentagon

Trump considers replacing Hegseth with rock or something

White House sources say object would bring “much-needed stability” to Pentagon