WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence said late Monday that the Coast Guard Cutter Munro off the coast of San Francisco will remain offshore until funding for the crew to be tested for the coronavirus arrives and totally not because it might be riddled with various STDs.

Speaking at the White House on Friday morning, Pence said that all those aboard the Coast Guard Cutter Munro returning from Cancun, Mexico, is to be quarantined due to frequent exposure to large gatherings in high profile areas where COVID-19 may have been reported. The Coast Guard wanted to let the public know that it was definitely not because the entire crew was out partying with drunk college girls during their entire port call.

"It’s very likely that the crew was exposed on two separate outings," Pence said. "However we aren’t sure why symptoms of the coronavirus also include painful urination and redness near the penis."