CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Wooooooweeee! The barracks is starting to look like that bitch Carole Baskin’s house. We got five live tigers up in this place, ya’all. And it’s awesome as hell.

Holy shit, did those stimulus checks come at the right damn time. Did you know a tiger is only worth two stimulus checks?! Yeah, we didn’t either until we watched Tiger King.

Jeff Lowe and that super chill hippy cult leader Bhagavan “Doc” Antle both know what we’re talking about. Did you know that you can lure a potential lifemate if you have a tiger in your barracks room?!