WASHINGTON – Continuing a streak of top five finishes that dates back to the country’s founding, America formally announced its second place victory in the Afghan War on Wednesday.
“From the moment the War on Terror began, we knew we would settle for nothing less than a podium finish” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “Today, after 19 years of blood and sweat, we are able to finally declare absolute and total second place victory.”
The Secretary went on to point out that since American troops first entered the country, their mission has been to secure a victory for the Afghan People. The fact that the specific Afghan People who finished in first place happened to be members of the Taliban “is immaterial,” Esper said..
Though a second place win does not include any kind of monetary prize to offset the more than $800 billion spent fighting the war, officials have stated that a trophy of some kind is not off the table.
Some have compared a second place finish to being “first loser” but US officials do not see it that way. “Second place means we’re number two in the whole world at fighting the War in Afghanistan” said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley. “Olympic silver medalists don’t talk about losing second place, they talk about winning it.”
Certain members of the conflict absolutely agree. “Second place sounds amazing” said last place Afghan civilians, whose terrible performance will likely see them relegated to the failed state refugee leagues.
With this formal declaration, the US joins the ranks of other prestigious second place finishers including Al Gore and the American South.
The first place Taliban were unavailable for comment as they kidnapped and murdered the reporter who asked, in accordance with their standard practices during peace agreements.