WASHINGTON — The United States emerged victorious after a grueling three-week war with foreign superpower Capitol Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP). The victory is especially momentous as it came just weeks before the 75th anniversary of the defeat of Japan in 1945, the military’s most recent victory.
The conflict started when a six-block radius of Seattle neighborhood Capitol Hill was taken over by armed extremists who declared it a sovereign state. Local politicians, afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings and confused by property laws, sat in their participation-trophy lined offices and watched helplessly as the crisis unfolded.
The Pentagon responded by sending in the 82nd Airborne Division. However, they missed the LZ, landing in Vancouver, Canada, where they have been stuck since, as no one brought their passports.
The Washington State National Guard was then activated, despite concerns about past performance.
“Yes, the John Rambo fiasco of 1982 has haunted us for years, but after decades of deployments, we have been waiting for an opportunity to showcase our improved capability,” said Major General Bret Daugherty, Adjutant General of the Washington National Guard. “And I’m so proud of our Guard family for their outstanding performance spearheading the triumph over CHOP.”
Armed with short sticks and comically large helmets, Guardsmen held strong in the face of CHOP resistance. The tides of war turned in their favor when the Guard began spraying CHOPers with deodorant and reading from presidential memoirs over a loudspeaker.
The non-lethal methods paid off and CHOP commander River Peacefield offered his unconditional surrender to Maj. Gen. Daugherty.
As news of the victory spread across the DoD, morale hit an all-time high, with the number of service members reporting that they are happy reaching 18 percent.