PENTAGON — The emergence of new technologies has caused a major shift in how the Pentagon plans to handle future conflicts. With the Pentagon's recent discovery and integration of #hashtags, officials are hoping that future service members will be able to fight the country’s battles with the simple touch of a cell phone keyboard.

The soon-to-be-ensconced director of the new #hashtag department is excited to see this new capability brought to the American warfighter. During a recent interview, Director "Anonymous Bartislartfast" noted, “The ability to use a #hashtag instead of using any useful action is the way of the future. Our military doesn’t actually need to do anything—our adversaries just need to think that we’re seriously committed to what we posted in our #hashtags. We’ve got very diplomatic phrases ranging from #worktogetherforpeace to slightly more aggressive #wehavemissilespointedatyou to full on #wewillblowyourshitup type of phrases."