FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — Everyone in the United States was shocked overnight to learn that U.S. Army North is actually nowhere near Canada, according to sources who are terrified of Canadians.
In the midst of reports about the devastating effects of coronavirus — which nearly rhymes with Canadavirus — citizens were doubly-upset to learn that the American homeland’s Army North is actually much closer to Mexico than to real northern threats like Justin Trudeau, Tim Horton’s, and Drake.
In fact, Army North is located closer to Mexico’s capitol than it is to Canada’s by 1,071 miles.
Alarmed citizen Rita AmeriCAN, of Duluth, Minn., said, “I didn’t sign up to have that yuk-yuk primal minister up north spreading the coronas and cheap donuts among my kin. I want my North army up here to stop all threats foreign and domestic. Why is that Army boss commanding us from down in Texas?”
Lt. Gen. Laura J. Richardson is the commander of Army North, which is located in San Antonio, Texas, according to her Public Affairs Office, which also called her one of history’s great women.
“If she’s so great, why isn’t she up here attacking the invading Canadian comedians who fill our TV screens?” asked AmeriCAN.
U.S. Army North is tasked with defending the homeland in the land domain which, despite most citizens’ desires, includes the entire Upper Midwest plus the deadly basalt formations near Spokane, Wash.
But critics assert that north means north, and it doesn’t mean a northern-named army can be headquartered in south-central Texas, or even exist anymore when it failed for years to stop illegal immigrant caravans and mind-boggling amounts of illicit drugs crossing the Mexican border every day.
“Of course they can’t stop those when their very names implies that they focus on the north,” said Incrédulo Rodriguez, a Border Patrol agent in the Rio Grande Valley Sector. “There’s an Army South; it should be working Mexico but it doesn’t. It only deals with Central and South America. Who’s closer in the south than Mexico?”
The mustache of John Bolton, former National Security Advisor, said, “I’m more concerned with commercial cargo from Canada than migrant caravans coming from Mexico. Shipping containers have the means, motive, and intent to harm America on a large scale by introducing poutine and the broadcaster Andrew Chang to our populace.”
Richardson, who is retiring any day now according to disgruntled sources inside Army North, defended her headquarters’ location and focus.
“Although San Antonio is closer to Mexico than a caribou’s ass is to a frozen lake in Alberta,” she said, “I feel confident that we’re just as capable of not defeating Stan Rogers in the north as we have been in not stopping transnational organized crime along the Southwest border. I’m happy with where we and my career are.”
While an aide prepared her uniform for a possible upcoming retirement ceremony — she told reporters it was for an official photo — Richardson added, “Drake is a washed-up rapper who wouldn’t make an American dime in our nation’s post-Trap musical era.”
At press time, Richardson was not prepared to relocate Army North to Duluth, Minn., according to displeased locals interviewed in one of the Zenith City’s 200 illicit poutine bistros.