FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — Everyone in the United States was shocked overnight to learn that U.S. Army North is actually nowhere near Canada, according to sources who are terrified of Canadians.

In the midst of reports about the devastating effects of coronavirus — which nearly rhymes with Canadavirus — citizens were doubly-upset to learn that the American homeland’s Army North is actually much closer to Mexico than to real northern threats like Justin Trudeau, Tim Horton's, and Drake.

In fact, Army North is located closer to Mexico’s capitol than it is to Canada’s by 1,071 miles.

Alarmed citizen Rita AmeriCAN, of Duluth, Minn., said, “I didn’t sign up to have that yuk-yuk primal minister up north spreading the coronas and cheap donuts among my kin. I want my North army up here to stop all threats foreign and domestic. Why is that Army boss commanding us from down in Texas?”