WASHINGTON — The American people have been rocked by revelations that Galactus, god of oblivion, devourer of worlds, was detected today approaching our galaxy at a speed that can only be described as ludicrous.
After the news broke of the planet’s impending doom, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters, “The President has been aware of this threat for several months, and our top scientists agree that they can’t imagine anyone who could have done more to prepare us than President Trump.”
“I wanted to always play it down,” a smiling Trump told Fox and Friends. “But really, no President before me has better prepared the country to repel this big guy… Some folks call him Galactus, the hunger that does not cease, but I call him the big guy. I don’t want to scare people and create a panic.”
The President cited the creation of Space Force and recently a UFO task force as further evidence of his preparation, which would cement his place as “the best president the country will have ever had.” Military leaders mumbled agreement while looking faintly embarrassed.
Vice President Mike Pence echoed similar remarks, and also added that President Trump’s withdrawal last year from the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty has enabled us to better protect American interests against extraterrestrial planet consuming monsters, along with Russian and Chinese aggression.
In a campaign speech, former Vice President and avatar-in-training Joe Biden pledged to focus on ways of nullifying the existential threat, as well as promising fewer fires, floods, rockslides and tornados and a $10,000 world-devoured tax credit to families earning less than $175,000 per year.
He also criticized the President’s inaction regarding Galactus the World Eater, and specifically questioned his recent decision to replace Dr. Reed Richards with Dr. Victor von Doom as UFO task force director.
Critics complained that most of Biden’s speech was plagiarized from an Isaac Asimov novel.
McEnany said, “This is Trump’s America now, and unless you all want to be devoured by an impossibly large cosmic being, we’ve got to extend his tenure as president.”