Biden: Let the troops decide where to invade next


CINCINNATI, Ohio – During a campaign swing through Ohio this week, former vice president Joe Biden promised that if he is elected president, he will let “the troops decide” where the United States should invade next.

“For too long, political leaders from both sides of the aisle have used the military in questionable adventures overseas, often in the pursuit of ambiguous strategic goals,” said Biden to supporters. “That’s not likely to change, to be honest. But what we can change is how we choose where we’re going. Who here wouldn’t rather invade, say, Rio de Janeiro for some sweet oil instead of Fallujah.”

“Come on man,” he continued. “Iraq and Afghanistan are important partners in combating global terror, but no one in their right mind has ever said, ‘You know where I want to spend our vacation this year? Kabul.’ Our troops are tired of this malarkey.”

Noticing an Army National Guardsman trying to slip by the political event to get to a nearby Bureau of Motor Vehicles, Biden pointed at him and yelled. “Hey, jack! You’re what, an E4? Where do you want to invade next? Name it, we’ll get it on the list.” After the confused specialist blurted out New Zealand, Biden turned to a campaign staffer and directed him to write it down.

“We’re going to do it, specialist. I promise. We’ll be in touch.”

Although this is the first time Biden has brought up the idea to let troops choose who the U.S. might invade, a campaign public relations manager shared an outline of the plan with the press right after Biden’s speech. The proposal would create a “Target Location of Preference List,” or “Invasion Dream Sheet,” much like what many service members fill out to indicate future desired duty stations. Each service member will fill out what country (or countries) they’d most like to invade, and why, in order of preference. By the end of 2021, each service will tabulate the results and communicate it to the president and Joint Chiefs, who will then begin to plan the invasion.

The Trump administration dismissed the idea as costly and misguided.

“Biden is completely out of touch with what the troops want,” said White House spokesperson Kaleigh McEnany. “Here’s the deal: Make America Great again in November, and we’ll let them invade the Blue State of their choice. California may be full of radical Democrats, but it has some incredible beaches.”


Major Crunch

Jack of all trades, master of none. I tweet snark from @welinde and help run weapons-grade shenanigans at www.Damperthree.com.
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