FORT BRAGG, N.C. — That new second lieutenant in your unit is lecturing the division sergeant major on leadership again, sources report.

Lt. Ben Bowman reportedly cornered his sergeant major in the locker room after physical training. Blocking the door as he knelt down to blouse his boots, Bowman explained leadership while holding Merset hostage.

“You can’t say you’re a leader in the Army without reading the entirety of the Chief of Staff’s professional reading list,” Bowman told his sergeant major. “I mean, seriously. It was Brzezinksi’s Strategic Vision: America and the Crisis of Global Power that really helped me to take control of my emotions and get through weeks of minimal food and sleep at Ranger School, after all.”