FORT HOOD — A man who got piss-drunk and barfed all over his roommate's entire closet just months ago has successfully checked into your unit and will likely be a huge factor as to whether you live or die in a combat zone, sources confirmed today.

The man, Ian Hendricks, of Charlotte, N.C., who once wore only a toga and over-sized sunglasses while performing a keg stand at an Arizona State University fraternity party, now wears second lieutenant bars and is tasked with enormous responsibilities, to include trying hard not to get you killed.

"I'm just so proud to be here and have the opportunity to lead you fine men," Hendricks told you and the rest of 2nd platoon in his first speech, only a year after he took multiple ecstasy pills at a club and nearly died later that evening.

Sources confirmed that Hendricks — who urinated all over himself during his freshman year at his frat initiation — will be tasked during an upcoming deployment to Afghanistan with planning patrols, navigating dangerous missions, and calling in possible medical evacuations if you or one of your platoon-mates is hit by enemy fire.

"Obviously he's a butter bar so he needs to learn the ropes and everything," platoon sergeant Staff Sgt. Benjamin Dillahunt said, of the 22-year-old who rarely got out of bed to attend classes in his junior year. "But if the Army sent him to us, I'm sure he's qualified."