In what can only be described as the most significant military showdown since Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Communism out of existence, the upcoming vice presidential debate features two heavyweights of military service: one a former Marine journalist, the other a former Army National Guard artilleryman. Naturally, this calls for moderators who understand the intricacies of national security and the finer points of what constitutes a good MRE trade. That’s right—Duffel Blog is throwing its cover into the ring to moderate the debate.

Why, you ask? Let’s break it down as we would a Second Lieutenant trying to read a map.

1. Military jargon, decoded

We know that if you put two veterans in a room together, at least 40% of the conversation will be spoken in acronyms, obscure references, and thinly veiled-to-flagrant insults about service branches. Who better to translate for the civilian audience than Duffel Blog?