Fort Bragg, N.C. — A company commander is expressing shock and dismay that after six years in the Army a future assassin has yet to travel back in time and attempt to kill him, sources confirmed today.

"Boundless ambition? Check. Contempt for subordinates? Check. Rejection of enlightenment values combined with a burning desire to usher in a fascistic, military-style dictatorship with myself at the helm? Check, and check," said Hawkingson. "Why haven't I been targeted for elimination by a temporal agent desperate to stop my inevitable rise to power?"

Capt. Ben Hawkingson, a company commander with the 82nd Airborne Division, has accomplished every goal he's set out for himself so far to date including: being promoted below zone, taking top honors at West Point, leading the scout platoon, intriguing against buddies during Ranger School resulting in their getting peered, and immediately taking command of B Co, 4/325, 3rd Brigade, 82nd ABCT upon arriving at Fort Bragg. In spite of all Hawkingson's successes thus far, the future has yet to reach backward to stop him.

“It wasn’t until after I received a silver star for heroism in combat that I realized my true potential,” Hawkingson said. “At West Point, I knew I was destined for greatness, but everything began to fall into place for me after the award. Now, I know what I’m meant to be: leader of then newly-formed United Federation of American States. So why has no temporal agent from the future been sent to destroy me while there’s still a chance?”