FORT HOOD, Texas — The Army confirmed today that Capt. Court Massengill has become the first actual douchebag to be promoted to major.

“Major Massengill has been a refreshing addition to our battalion staff,” Lt. Col. Eve Summers told the Duffel Blog before pinning gold oak leaves on the young field grade. “And as our new battalion executive officer, I expect him to help me clean up this drab old unit.”

Summers noted that before his selection to major, Massengill earned a reputation as the driving force that reversed the toxic culture in what many considered the battalion’s worst company.

“Once Massengill took command he injected himself in all the problem areas,” Summers told the Duffel Blog. “In doing so, he flushed out all the ne’er do wells. But don’t let his rigid appearance fool you. Massengill is really warm and gentle on the inside.”