Advice Column: Ask Top, Your Non-Friendly Neighborhood First Sergeant (Ep.2)

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His hobbies include chewing ass, laughing at Second Lieutenants, killing people with his bare hands, and telling soldiers to get their damn hands out of their pockets.

DEAR TOP: Why can't we grow awesome beards and mustaches in combat? The Afghans will respect us, we won’t have as many weapons malfunctions or ambushes, and we’ll have awesome pictures of us looking bad-ass out at the COPs. What gives? --NEED A BEARD in Kabul, Afghanistan

DEAR NEED A BEARD: Besides being against AR 670-1, having a beard prevents you from getting a proper seal when using your gas mask. Now, I know you're saying, but Sarge, when's the last time we got gassed? Well shit-dick -- when's the last time the Afghans respected us? I don't make the rules, I just enforce the goddamn things.

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

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