KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – In a move sure to go unnoticed by basically everyone, U.S. Army Gen. John Indifference took the reins of NATO’s International Security Assistance Force from Marine Corps Gen. Joseph Dunford in a change of command ceremony this morning.
“I’d like to say it’s an honor, but the truth is I could generally give a shit,” the generally indifferent Gen. Indifference told an audience of bored but nodding military elites. “Generally speaking, I'd say none of this will matter much when we're all dead in another hundred years or so anyway."
The apathetic leader's appointment follows a quiet fall from grace for predecessor Dunford, who sources say was thought to be generally too motivated for the task at hand; this summer, Dunford sparked controversy with the Pentagon by constantly spouting off in the media about mission success, hope for Afghanistan’s future, and all kinds of other silly shit.
“We’ve got a lot of work to do still, but lets not set the bar too high,” Indifference said, signaling his clearer alignment with Washington's strategic intent. At a press conference following the change of command, the general spoke more specifically on the upcoming Coalition retrograde, the enduring threat of violent groups in the region, and, crucially, the April elections that will replace Afghan president Hamid Karzai. In closing, he reiterated that he actually doesn’t give a fuck about any of that.
