KABUL, Afghanistan – U.S. officials are "cautiously optimistic" following the surprise victory in this week's Afghan president election by Taliban leader Mullah Omar.

The surprise election result came after Ashraf Ghani, President Hamid Karzai's presumed heir-apparent, fell out of public favor when an open mic caught him making the outrageous claim that women were actually human beings.

Several other leading Pashtun candidates mysteriously died of cranial lead poisoning, including Abdullah Abdullah who was shot twice for good measure.

Karzai himself sent a congratulatory tweet to Omar from the helicopter that he and his cabinet had hijacked to flee across the Uzbekistani border: "L8r to my dancing boyz. Peace in the Middle East!"