CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Preliminary results of the Rand Corporation's anonymous 2015 DoD Health Related Behaviors Survey confirm that Spc. Jeff R. Higgins, age 33, of 340 Dover St., Brandon, Iowa — not to be confused with another respondent, Spc. Jeff G Higgins of Alpena, Mich. — indicated that he enjoyed alcohol "some of the time." Higgins' responses have given RAND officials some concern.

He and other service members, rank E1 – E4, recently deployed, and currently assigned to Alpha Company, 2-327th Infantry, randomly received emails from Rand highly encouraging them to complete the survey. Out of the 135 service members chosen, a remarkable 100% of respondents completed the survey of their own volition, all under the watchful eye of their first line supervisor.

"They said names were optional, but since it was supposed to be anonymous I didn't think it would matter," Higgins said. "Plus my chain of command suggested we fill it out as completely as possible. By the way, how did you get my information again?"

The results, according to the Pentagon, are not surprising, and reinforce current presumptions about the health and welfare of service members suspected by their chain of command of heavy alcohol consumption, malingering during PT, and stealing 1st Sgt. Peter Dunlop's yogurt out of the unit refrigerator.