WASHINGTON – Breaking with his peers and the entire history of the Defense Department, the Chief of Staff of the Army said today that the service is in absolutely, perfectly great shape.

“Doing great, pretty much no problems, man,” said Chief of Staff Gen. James C. McConville, popping a stick of chewing gum in his mouth outside a shopette at Ft. Eustis, Va.

At a time when department chiefs from the Air Force and Navy plus the Marine Corps have all pointed to issues with readiness, training and retention, the Army is fine, according to McConville.

“Not a critical time for us at all,” he said. “You hear about the pivot to China and Russian assholes and whatnot, but that’s not shit. Nothing we can’t handle because we’re golden. We’re freaking loaded and I could buy everything in every shopette around the world with my government travel card without blinking. New long-distance accurate artillery and cyber security are another matter, but no matter.”