PRETTY MUCH ANYWHERE, USA — In an effort to align the service with a constantly evolving political battlefield and increase veteran involvement with governance, the US Army announced the creation of a new ‘Future Douchebag Politician’ (FDP) military occupational specialty.

“For decades, we actually had veterans who saw political service as an extension of the spirit they felt in uniform; just another means of serving their fellow Americans. Hell, George Washington practically got press-ganged into the presidency. But over the last few decades, a lot of soldiers began following what we’ve now formalized as the FDP career path,” said Chief of Staff of the Army Gen. James McConville.

Sergeant Major of the Army Michael Grinston said, “To caveat off what the Chief said, we’re really seeing growing interest from the GWOT generation and even younger douchebags. It’s high time we updated our talent management model to afford every soldier the opportunity to one day become a haughty, self-important, asshole maximizing his or her opportunities for self-aggrandizement in our state and federal legislatures.”