SAN ANTONIO, Texas — A U.S. Army veterinarian says she is sick of the veteran accolades she gets every time she goes out in public, since she’s never deployed or cared for so much as one ass-raped goat in Afghanistan, sources confirmed.

“I go out for a simple Chick-fil-A Spicy Deluxe Sandwich and the next thing you know there’s a JROTC honor guard marching to the cash register,” says Capt. Andrea Martinez.