FORT MYER, VA — Elation turned to frustration for the United States Army during its 238th birthday party on Friday, after the service failed to to get what it wanted despite dropping a number of hints, sources confirmed. The armed service best known for bringing freedom to the North American continent, ending slavery, defeating Germany and Iraq twice, and stealing Santa Anna’s wooden leg, threw a severe tantrum when it didn't receive the gifts it wanted.

“I never get what I want,” roared a petulant Army after opening its final present. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel tried to soothe the complaining service.

"Calm down, Army," Secretary Hagel said, "You know I really wanted to get you those new future combat systems, but since I had to spend so much money on Air Force's F-35 for its birthday last year, I didn't have much left for you."

“They’re not even using it anymore,” a sobbing Army replied, inconsolable and unconcerned with budgetary issues.