FORT BENNING, Ga. — The Army is planning major changes to its Expert Infantryman's Badge (EIB) testing standards, according to a leaked document obtained by Duffel Blog. The existence of the document was first reported by the Army Times.

Most significantly, officers will no longer be required to attend EIB training, testing, or the award ceremony and, starting December 1st, incoming second lieutenants will be awarded an EIB as a college graduation present.

Several other changes are notable. The EIB course will now culminate with a "DA FORM 2823 - Sworn Statement creative writing" event that awards soldiers with the best cover-up stories for their war crimes. Further, participants will complete a timed "Active Shooter Drill," in which all EIB participants will have 30 seconds to find a concealed position and place self-indulgent, wildly inaccurate calls to global media outlets.

The Command Launch Unit (CLU) and FGM-148 Javelin (the man-portable fire-and-forget anti-tank missile fielded to replace the M47 Dragon anti-tank missile) will be removed because budget and ROE restrictions ensure soldiers will never actually use the weapon system. Likewise, grenade ID color markings will be eliminated because they discriminate against color-blind soldiers.